Un memoria a mi amor

I was  waiting for my friend to meet me over coffee. I decided to come early so I could have a chance to read the new book of Bo Sanchez which I got at the nearby national bookstore. It’s about finding your one true love. The title really stuck so I bought it.

I thought I have totally forgotten how he looks like. It has been years that I haven’t seen or heard any news about him. But I know that  should there be a chance, I’ve learned that it’s better to keep some things the way they are and get on with my life.

With life’s twists and turns, with people you meet along the way-- some of them becoming your friends or enemies (not for long, though ), I have realized that there will come atime when you will have to look back to your past especially if the past is now staring directly at you.

My seat was facing the door and there he was, standing right in front of me. He didn’t say a word. He just smiled at me.

He used to have those beautiful, smiling eyes as I would remember.  He has that open-wide, be-dimpled smile that makes you feel comfortable even when you have just met him. But the person standing right in front of me  looks so different. He looks thinner and older.  It seems that the years have taken its toll on him.

He sat down facing me. I offered coffee but then he said he’s not staying long. He said he just have to be sure that it was really me whom he saw. It’s been years, he said. I agreed to myself and smiled. He said he could see  that I look pretty well. I told him there maybe some challenges along the way but life has been kind to me thus far. He looked at me intently as if about to say something. I waited like I don’t know what to expect.

I haven’t heard those words at all when we parted then. I thought  that I may not get to hear it  from him  in my lifetime.  And I thought  that maybe, I don’t deserve it.  “I’m so sorry for hurting you that much”. For a while, there was silence from my side. Hearing that for the first time from him brought all memories back. There was a lump in my throat and my heart suddenly became so heavy I have difficulty breathing. I was just looking at him who has been looking at me with those sorrowful eyes.  How could an angel break my heart back then? I no longer wanted to know the reason. I don’t want to ask. That episode has long been buried, forgotten and I have moved on.

But then I have one thing that  I wanted to do at this time. I will be doing this once and for all just to put a total closure, to tie loose ends, to mend broken hearts (or whatever that is left of it) and to  totally heal the wounds of the past. And finally, to let this man sitting right in front of me know  that I had set him free. A long time ago.

I decided that it’s time for me to leave, but I have to say these words at least to him… “ Forgiveness is difficult to give if the hurts from the past  hasn’t healed completely. But then, when you care about that person so much, you have already forgiven him even before he could hurt you, and perhaps the best thing you could give   him is his freedom and his happiness-- even though his happiness is not you. And I did all that… for you ”

And since I have come to that conclusion, I asked him to allow me  to leave ahead of him this time.  It’s the one last gentleman gesture he could do for the woman who used to love him that much, to finally give closure to the tie that binds us, to let him know that in the end, this woman  could  turn her back on him without grudges and with respect.

My One True Love

“[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...”

-1 Corinthians 13:7

Our household played scrabble a while ago.  It was fun. These are  the moments when we could just sit down and do something or just relax, think about anything, discuss about almost any topic and argue over the most mundane of things. How in the past year or so we managed to stay alive or better yet how one managed to go home without being beaten black and blue, it has  always been a mystery.

 

 Excerpts from our no-nonsense conversations:

Sister# 1 (toying with her tiles)                : Eh sister, matanong ko lang, sino yung one true love mo? (My sister, who is your one true love?)

No reply from me. She just wanted to distract my concentration, I thought. Old gimmick.

Sister#2 (checking the open spots )          : Mahirap yan, yung one great love na lang (That’s difficult, ask the one great love instead)

Still no reply.

Sister#3 (in the middle of drawing tiles)    : Sige, yung crush na lang (alright, tell us about your crush instead)

Now this is getting out of hand.       

Sister#4 (our scorer, our miron)    : Correction. Hindi na siya crush ngayon. Eye candy na siya! (Correction, it’s no longer called crush, it’s eye candy these days!)

All of us in the table had the same reaction : Ganun???!!! (Really???!!!). We had a laugh. And there started our sharing. Did I answer their questions? Hmnnn...

 It’s all about love. Different kinds. Different intensity. If you ask me to define love, I may not be able to give justice to its real essence. It is like looking at an abstract painting and drawing your own interpretation out of what you see. It transcends boundaries. When you start to look beyond that, it paves the way towards really feeling  it. Only then could you appropriately give your own meaning .

Love in itself is a gift. The reason why we exist. Young or old. It doesn’t matter. The heart has its own curriculum.  As long as we are alive, breathing, we’re capable of loving.

Regardless how one’s own discovery of love may vary from that of the other’s , how one’s love story began and ended, don’t you think it is always nice to take with you the good memories? That it is more relaxing  to someday sit down on our rocking chair and think about the times when your    one true love or one great love (whatever they call it these days) made you blush, made your heart skip a beat, made you constantly look in the mirror,   made you sleepless at night, made you run to your derma for a facial, made you do silly things like smiling alone, even greeting everyone you meet  ‘good morning’ and you even exclaim ‘what a beautiful day!’ when it is so hot and humid?!

For one who is  single by choice or no choice , with your significant other or not, still looking or waiting for that one true love, one great love, be happy. Remember, our circumstances did not matter to Someone. He loved us first. And He loves us still. Promise.

“Lord our Father, the love you have given us is overflowing, immeasurable, timeless and divine. Feelings do change and our human  love story here on earth may not always have a happy ending. But inspite of this, please grant us a heart that will not run out of love to give, a love that will stand the test of time, the kind of love worthy of your heavenly measurement.”

  

Healing

“You are my comfort in my affliction, for your word has given me life...”

Psalm 119:50

It happened that fateful afternoon. He was trying so hard to hide the pain he was feeling. But I could see it in his eyes. He forced a smile while his frail hand was holding my hand. He was trying to hold on to his dear life. Seeing him in such state is unbearable, the tears started to well in my eyes but I can’t let him see  that. With all the courage I could muster, I kissed his sweating forehead, looked at him lovingly with a smile and said “I know you’re too tired now, kuya (brother) ... I understand... take a rest... your family will be well taken cared of...” He smiled at me. And he slowly closed his eyes. I let out a loud cry.

That was the last time my family ever saw me cry. My father and then my brother. Two members of the family gone. Way too painful. I was so angry inside. It’s way beyond my understanding.

No one is ever prepared for the grief that is to come when you lose someone dear. You go through all sorts  of emotions: shock, denial stage and denial stage still and then the blame. We question the reason behind it all. We say it’s not fair.  Acceptance is hard to come by.

I’ve met quite a few people who are further down the road of grief. These are the same people who thought that they’re not going to get over it. But they did. In fact, during those moments that we sit down and talk, I once asked my sister-in-law how she was coping with the loss of my brother. She replied that tears tend to well her eyes these days rather than tears rolling down through her face. For her, she said, that’s a measure of healing. How  she accurately described it when one is travelling down the road towards healing. While it may take time to be completely healed, we are comforted with the thought that we will get there eventually. That we are not alone. That just as when we tend to question the things that are happening in our lives, Someone up there knows the purpose.

I should have written this a couple of years back. But it took me sometime. I may have talked about it in part but no one really ever knew what I really went through as they are all bottled up inside. Would I want to write something that is too personal and something that I am yet to come to terms with? Difficult.  But I now did. I have taken the path towards healing.

When you know someone going through a certain grief, you don’t have to say anything if you’re at a loss for words. Just sit beside him and be a friend. To that person, it’s more than enough.

“Lord our Father, human as we are, we are susceptible to pain. May we always be reminded that in times of pain and sorrow, You are our comfort, our shelter, our refuge and strength. Let every breath, all that we are never cease to believe in you.”